Dr. Ian Malcolm and I



What's Up Down There: Body Hair - MTV

I was on MTV to talk about pubic hair yum yum yum



Monologue Jokes

A New Jersey man is on the run after he stabbed his brother over the last can of Pepsi, which raises a lot of questions.  Namely, Chris Christie can run?

A popular music venue, The Forum, reopened in Los Angeles Wednesday night with a 407 foot wide Eagles record on the roof that was spinning at 17 mph.  That’s pretty fast, but Hotel California still takes three hours to end.

A black bear in Alaska is refusing hibernation.  Scientists believe it is because the bear just found out about Netflix.

A twenty eight year-old man ended his walk from Missouri to San Diego this week, which took him about five and a half months.  When asked for a quote on the airplane the man said “WAIT A MINUTE THERE ARE AIRPLANES?!”

Three men at a Las Vegas electronics show broke a world record by watching television for 87 consecutive hours.  The record was quickly taken away from them when the Guinness book guys found out that Keeping Up With The Kardashians doesn’t count as television.

A neuroscientist claims that if you smoke and use drugs during pregnancy your baby is more likely to be “turned gay”, while if you raise your child like a complete idiot they’re more likely to “turn into a horrible neuroscientist”.

A California cardiac surgeon and his hospital are being sued after the doctor left his patient in the middle of open-heart surgery so that he could go get some lunch.  Because nothing makes me hungrier than an open human.

A man proposed to his girlfriend in Mexico while scuba diving with bull sharks.  He got down on one knee, the only knee he had after five minutes in the water with bull sharks.

The Police in Pennsylvania have caught a suspect after he found his own wanted picture on Facebook and then shared it on his page.  The suspect said it was worth the three likes.

A falling porcupine landed on the head of a Brazilian woman Wednesday leaving 272 quills in her scalp.  I believe we have a picture? (KEY: Guy Fieri)







I met Julian Casablancas on Tuesday. He was heading into the tonight show. He smiled at me and said “walk with me” and I didn’t do it because I was too scared.